My last post mentioned I still hadn't found out my exam results, but a few days after I was finally put out of my misery/anxiety; Not only had I passed, but I actually achieved 93% - I am pretty sure I have never performed that well in an essay based exam before. I was so shocked my first thought was 'oh my gosh, they must have given me the wrong mark'. Even though I had worked so hard leading up to the exam (I literally became a recluse for a few weeks) I still found it hard to believe that I was capable of doing that well, which is obviously BS. While I believe it's important to be humble, it's just as important to recognise when you have done well, worked hard and achieved something.
These thoughts brought me back to my school life, particularly to one conversation with my form tutor, who said to me "Kelsey, you must learn to celebrate yourself. It's okay to be proud of yourself. If you don't, then who will?". Until that point I thought it was kinda arrogant to recognise your achievements and be proud of things you had done; I didn't have the self-esteem or confidence to say "I was actually good at that" or "I worked really hard and I'm proud of what I've achieved." I do think we Brits have a habit of being self deprecating, but if you go through life only highlighting your weaknesses or mistakes and not noting your achievements, you will end up feeling like shit all the time. I have this awful habit of being super hard on myself, like nothing is ever good enough (I am sure others will relate to this) but we have to learn it's okay to be satisfied with something as it is. Looking back, though I have always done well and worked hard, I'm sure my lack of self-celebration actually stopped me from reaching my full potential. I wasn't allowing myself to believe I was capable of doing better so I stagnated my self-improvement.
Self-esteem and confidence is something most of us struggle with at some point, but ever since that conversation with my tutor I am conscious of how I treat myself and allow myself to be proud and satisfied with things I have done. Even though my first thought after receiving my exam results was 'there must be a mistake', I quickly recognised that my hard work had paid off and I had done really well. Even though I have times where I doubt myself, I always try to replace a negative thought with a positive one. Sometimes only we know how hard we work, so we can't rely on others to give us praise, it has to come from within. And let's be honest, no matter how many people might praise or compliment us, if we don't truly believe it then it rarely makes a difference. However, I do think it is important to recognise others' achievements and let them know when they're doing a good job, because having someone else believe in you can really raise your confidence - just don't rely on it!
Getting that exam result made me think about how easy it can be to get into thought patterns where you constantly undervalue yourself. Whenever I'm feeling rubbish I'm going to look back at that moment, where I worked hard and achieved a great result, and remind myself that I am capable and worthy of success. Even if the outcome is not what you expected, recognise your hard work and use it to improve what you do the next time. I implore you to find even one thing that you've done well, no matter how small, and cling onto it with all your might and remind yourself of it in times of doubt. While we should always be looking to improve, we must be at peace with where we are now and allow ourselves to celebrate our strengths and achievements.
